Getting better with age.

Good afternoon!

thursday thoughts and things
There are four emotions that I’ve always somewhat struggled with. I mean, not to an extreme, but certainly enough for me to take notice. I’ve never been the kind of girl who thinks I come without flaw. In fact, I’ve always been the type of girl who verbalizes her flaws, regularly – often with humorous anecdotes to make it seem as if they don’t bother me, when sometimes they do. In short, I’m very self aware of both my strengths and my weaknesses. Of my (many) weaknesses, there are – as mentioned – four that have always gotten to me.
My…
  • sensitivity;
  • inability to let things go;
  • fear of changes;
  • general assumption that I’m doing something wrong

A few of these (my sensitivity being the most notable) have yet to ease up, I will admit. There has been – I am very happy to say – some progress on the other three areas.

My Inability to Let Things Go

 I’ve always had a bit of an issue with this. If you hurt me, that was it. I wrote you off. I had this mentality that if you did something to hurt me, you didn’t care enough about me so I should not keep you in my life. Simple. Done and done. As I’ve mature, I’ve come to realize that life isn’t so black and white. In fact, there are a lot of gray areas. Someone who loves you dearly can easily hurt you, without realizing it. Everyone has differing opinions on things and therefore will ultimately be affected by situations in different ways. There are two sides to every story.

Looking back, I’m kind of regretful that I behaved that way. Or had that mentality. I can’t really think of any relationships – at the moment – that I have ruined by doing this. On the other hand, I can certainly think of a few current relationships that I would in no way want to end because of this mentality.

Alternatively, I came to the realization that I am not completely innocent here, either. I am equally able to hurt someone I care about as they are to hurt me. I certainly would not want someone to let me go because I did something I didn’t think would hurt them.

So, to sum up, I’m trying to let go of not letting go! When it comes to the important people in your life, you can’t let little things get in the way. Their role in your life is far too important to lose. I assure you.

My Fear of Changes

As I’ve already mentioned, I’ve always had issues with changes. Even though I’ve adhered to changing things up regularly in my life, I am still plagued by this daily. Most recently my manager decided to take me off the Service desk and have me working the sales floor. At first, I was excited to do something different. Then, immediately after, I got nervous. What if I do a poor job? What if I get confused? What if… what if… what if?

What if I kick serious rump?

I am not saying that I did kick serious rump on the floor, but I’ve definitely been enjoying my time there! I still get a little worried every single time I leave to go home. I’m safely assuming that my work will be seen as half-ass’ed or something. I’m still getting used to the floor – again. It almost feels like I’m at a new job. But, I kind of like it. Like, a lot. I even have a preferred section!

This experience – although small – has reminded me to chill out a little more. You know, that experience and Omar.

My Assumption that I’m Always in the Wrong 

This one is a doozy. I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself and have a really bad habit of knocking myself down. I don’t really register it as ‘knocking myself down’ in most situations. Like I mentioned before, I often poke fun at myself to make it seem like I don’t care, when I really do. For some reason, when people laugh at these jokes, I turn it around in my head, thinking that them laughing is them agreeing to my statement.

This drives me loved ones absolutely crazy. And, understandably so. These people think highly of me and I refuse to believe it. Lately, however, I’ve been trying to focus on the parts of me I love. And, I have been making more of a point to vocalize the bits of me I think are awesome. Like, the progress my body has made and my vocabulary. I’m starting to realize that you can compliment yourself without sounding like you’re full of yourself.

i love summer

 

my work out
Stay lovely and sweet
Caitlyn
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