Good afternoon, everyone.
Today is kind of a different post. In many ways, this is a post that is kind of specifically designed to help me. Usually on my blog, I try to focus on writing for others. My dream (well, one of) is to one day freelance write one the side of a healthy wellness career for magazines and online journals alike, with hopes of helping women learn to love their bodies and themselves. So, typically speaking, I like to use this blog as practice for my future writings.
Today I decided to write for me, though.
As you know, I’ve recently come to terms that there are some changes that need to be made in my personality. Most notably my defensiveness and my – often – moody nature (which is a direct result of my defensiveness). I’ve decided that it is time to re-introduce myself to me. As I mentioned to Baba, I’ve always been happy about other people, but have completely forgotten how to be happy about me. Furthermore, my defenses are driven by my lack of overall self-worth (as previously mentioned). You see, in my head, I have this special talent. It is the sheer ability to take an action, twist it completely around and make it seem as if someone is attacking me. Why do I do this?
Because I feel like it’s all I truly deserve. I don’t think I’m worth much, so why would anybody else?
Last night proved to be a prime example of this behavior for me. While at work, discussing hand bags with coworkers, my manager expressed her general disinterest in brand names. The concept of brands has always left me feeling a great deal of embarrassment. On the one hand, I don’t get why a little silly name should make a generally OK-quality bag four times the price of an equally crafted bag (in some cases). One the other hand, there are some band names that I’ve always loved. I am a huge lover of fashion. Mostly European fashion (no duh, right?).  So every now and again I see a article of clothing or an accessory of brand X or Y and I long for it. Aside from one really overwhelming Coach experience, I haven’t indulged, but I have certainly wanted to.
So, during this conversation, I felt like I should feel similarly on the topic as my manager. Brand names are just brand names and do not make a product any better (again, in most cases). My initial instinct was to become defensive and say something I’d probably later regret (I had nothing in mind, but knowing my tract record…), so instead I kept my mouth completely shut.
My next thought was: ‘why does this embarrass me?’
The brand names that I am referring to is actually just a brand name. Singular. One. Burberry. I’ve always been absolutely taken by the simple and classic design of the Burberry Brit bag. The style is sharp and beautiful; I love it. Why is that embarrassing? It’s something I like. I am not the kind of girl who will only drink Evian from a glass, over ice, so why is this one, little tidbit something that I concern myself with?
I decided from that moment that is was officially time to reintroduce myself to… well, myself. I am doing this in the form of a survey that I found online (another blogger) and will be answering each question with as much depth as possible. Do not feel the need to read if you do not wish to (though, I suppose that is true of all of my posts). Just know, that this is my first official step to making the changes I need to make in order to lead the happiest life I can.
a simple saturday survey
Question One: When the cashier at the grocery store is being a grump, how do you typically react?

To be completely honest, I can’t remember the last time that a cashier has been a grump to me. Sometimes they seem a wee bit off, or quiet, which I assume is probably a result of the fact that they’re at work. So, I typically say something like, ‘how’s your day going?’ hoping that this will be enough to get them talking and hopefully make their day.

In most cases this works, which makes me one happy customer!
On the other hand, being that I am a cashier myself, I’ve also been put into the situation that I’ve been the grumpy cashier. Not that I am down-right rude to people. But sometimes, after a few hours of working, you get a little tired of general arrogance of some people. I get a little more quiet, or I get very focused on just getting the job done. I often feel badly afterward, thinking I should have been more warm toward the customer. Once I discover that I’ve behaved this way, I usually snap out of it and try to make sure I keep on smiling! I honestly think that the more pleasant you are with people, the more pleasant they’ll be bad. If you walk around with a scowl on your face, people aren’t going to go out of their way to talk to you, let alone be nice.They’ll most like avoid you at all costs. I make it a conscious effort to always have a somewhat inviting expression on.
Question Two: Are you the type to go out with your girlfriends, or stay in?

Oh, definitely stay in. First of all, I don’t really drink, at all. And, I get really uncomfortable being in the presence of  large groups of people under the influence. I’ve always kind of been this way, which has caused a lot of people to think I am kind of snobbish. This is actually something that bothers me. Just because I choose not to drink, in no way means that I think I am above others who do drink. That’s just foolish. In fact, I think drinking is a completely normal and healthy social interaction, if done right. It is just not a part of my life.

Now, I know that you might be thinking, ‘no where in that question was drinking mentioned’. Okay, okay. You’re right. But even still, I don’t go out with my girlfriends. If I do, it’s probably just for a cup of coffee. I’m definitely a low-key girl, but I kind of like it that way.
Question Three: Do you sob during romantic or sad movies?
Oh, yes. I think the last movie I cried at was Steel Magnolias, so it was not that long ago. I wear my heart on my sleeve, like you wouldn’t believe. I have a lot of empathy, so it doesn’t take much for me to put myself in the place of the characters in the movie – or show. That said, romantic movies don’t really get me. Like, love stories. I didn’t shed a tear during the Notebook, at all. It was not sad. Movies where animals get hurt, or movies surrounding mothers and daughters… that’s a really hard thing for me to deal with.
Question Four: What stresses you out the most?
Ha! Everything? I’m a classic worry wart. Omar says that I’ll sit there and think, ‘okay, what can I worry about today?’ and it’s true. I’d say – most unfortunately – the thing that causes me the most worry is how people perceive me, or how I affect people. I’m constantly worried that I’ll do something to hurt, or upset another individual – mostly the ones closest to me. I also have this ridiculous fear than I am not well-received by my peers. I hate being open about these things, because I think it makes me sound like a sob story, but it is the truth.
Other than that, I do worry about my future, my weight (even still… but now it is not always ‘am I too big’ but also ‘am I too thin?’), that past issues will reoccur and so on. Since Omar came into my life, I can honestly say my levels of worry have dropped tremendously. I think having someone so care-free so close to you is a great help. Also, having unconditional love (from more sources than your parents, in my case) is extremely helpful.
I love him.
Question Five: What do you think people think of you?
Well, as I mentioned before, it is unfortunately not good things. I assume people probably think I’m stuck up, full of myself, prissy and all that. Which, isn’t true of me at all. I mean, yes, I’m a little high-string. I am uptight and I am not exactly known to let my hair down. But, I am also a kind person, so the thought that people could think these things of me, makes me extremely sad.
I would like to think people would see me as a kind, warmhearted and caring individual. Somebody that they could talk to if they needed to. I want to be able to a shoulder for anyone and a support system whenever needed. Hopefully, for some of you, this is the case. 🙂
Question Six: When you overindulge, are you the type to hit the gym like crazy immediately after, or do you accept the indulgence and move on?
I have a very balanced and consistent diet that doesn’t really involve much indulgence. This is what I am currently working on the most in regard to my recovery. Though, I am happy to say that in many situations (like Elizabeth’s cookie and a drive-by caking of a neighbor) I have – not over – indulged in a bite or two. This is a big step for me. I have also tried a cake that my mom made and so on and so forth. In a lot of situations, I’d rather almond butter and Greek yogurt to cake. So, it hasn’t become a huge issue. I’ve found ways to satisfy my sweet tooth in a healthy way. That said, I can’t live life so rigidly and I am working on the ability to indulge – maybe even overly – and not worry too much about it. I feel I am slowly coming to terms.
Question seven: Are you easily annoyed?

Kind of. I hate immaturity and can’t stand a lack of common sense. So, I can get kind of annoyed quickly. This is something I am really, truly working on.

Question Eight: What is your biggest personality flaw?

Being defensive – as mentioned. I gotta lighten up, learn to take a joke and realize no on is perfect. 🙂

Question nine: What part of your personality do people not see enough of?

My goofy side. A lot of people probably think I am really serious all the time. But I can be a total goof, too! I’m dating Omar, I need to have a side of silliness, right?  I would like for this part of my personality to become more apparent to people. I don’t want people to think I have absolutely no sense of humor. I do; I promise. I just have a difficult time with some forms of humor (like, some current films that depict woman horrifically).

Question ten: Can you stay calm in a messy room?
No, I work best with order. I’m a total OCD freak.
At work, I am always organizing and re-organizing my desk. I need structure in my life, or I just don’t feel right. That said, my room is never in tiptop shape. So, I can handle messy environments, but not while working.
I hope you enjoyed this read.

Stay lovely,

Caitlyn.

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