Sometimes when you walk into a room and hear people talking in hushed tones, you’ll find yourself doing the exact opposite of what the people talking were hoping for. Perhaps, if you’re like me, you’ll stand out of sight and listen to what is being said, ashamed that you’re being so secretive toward everything. You don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable, so instead of announcing your presence, you let them go on thinking that their efforts haven’t failed.
Have you been here?
Now, in some cases the words being spoke of you are with only the intention to hurt you. These are cruel and unnecessary and in these moments I see that it is completely within your right to stand up for yourself. But, what do you do when the words being spoken of you are from a place of pure concern and love?
I cannot answer this for you, most unfortunately.
Yesterday, I overheard my mother talking to my Aunt. At first, all I heard was ‘is she sick?’ which initially caused me to worry. Who were they discussing? Is everything O.K? Then, I heard my mother reply, which answered all of my questions.
Me and… I thought she was.
When you go through your days, recovering from something like this and seeing the same people day in and day out, you actually begin to – in a sense – forget about it. Or, at least, you make it an effort to try. After so many weeks of things going well, you begin to actually push it as far into the back of your mind as possible. Then, when you overhear something like this, you are immediately pulled back.
It was almost as if my mind was saying to me, ‘not so fast, Caitlyn. You’re not past it, yet’. I was ready to break down. I was ready to cry my eyes out (alright, I won’t lie, I did cry in my room), but after five minutes I took control of my mind, and I said, ‘cut that out right now’. I grabbed a – light – sweater and headed out, without much of an reason. Left my phone (sorry, Baba; I know you told me to stop doing that), my purse and just thought. I thought of where I was and where I have come; I thought about all the things I’ve accomplished and all the pain I’ve endured. Then it hit me… my mind was right. I am not ‘past’ it; I might never be ‘past’ it. That doesn’t mean I am not okay, though.
Every situation in our life stays with us. Even the bad ones, unfortunately. We learn from them, develop and eventually change. I do feel like I’ve come an exceptionally far way in regard to my health, but I most certainly have a far way to go. I shouldn’t feel ashamed, or anything of my past. I should understand that people love me very much.
There was picture of me, that I used to look at from time to time and become saddened. All I could see was bone and pain. Now, I look at it and think, ‘look where I am now’ or ‘look how much I’ve accomplished’.
Today is a short post, yes. But I just came onto say that you should never feel embarrassed about who you are, who you were or what you hope to be. That which has caused me – and those around me – pain has also been that which has made me the health-seeking girl I long to be. Always remember in life, you are to love yourself. You need to love yourself. So promise me that you’ll do just that from here on out? Promise me, and I’ll promise you I’ll try my very hardest to do the same.