It’s been a while

university: more than just academically educating
signs on doors are often of great value
It was my first day of classes and – without any real regard – I walked into the class written on my weekly schedule. The professor had been incredibly late, while I had been incredibly early. After about ten minutes, the prof decided it was time to show up. Apparently she was unaware of how far her office was from the classroom.Tardiness is unacceptable.
Regardless, after about two-three minutes into the lecture and a whole bunch of words I didn’t know, I turned to the girl on my right and sheepishly asked, ‘is this Research Methods in Psychology?’
The girl looked at me, puzzled, and replied: ‘No. No, this is taxonomy’.
First of all, I don’t know what ‘taxonomy’ is, but if ‘tax’ and/or ‘taxes’ are involved, one can assume business and/or money is also involved and therefore a one Ms. Caitlyn Mearns needs to get out. So, quietly, I walked out with absolutely no idea as to where I was suppose to be.
Turns out, another building completely.
So, consequently, I boogied my ass right over to the right building and meandered about to find the right class, which by this point was already well on its way. Which, I’ll have you know is no walk in the park  (no pun, intended) considering womem of my age group seem to deem it completely reasonable to wear heals that are way too high for them, causing them to not only walk awkwardly, but slowly. Yeah, I have no time girls. You’re going to Mathematics, not Milan.
But, I digress.
I reached my destination, hoping to find that it was a large class, that allowed me to sneak in unnoticed. Nope. It was actually quite small, housing – at most – 20 students.
So, in the future, I intend to make sure I look around because apparently – unbeknownst to me – there was a sign outside of the original classroom, informing students of a classroom change. Observant? Me? Apparently not.
students are frugal s.o.b’s 
Being a fan of the ability to fold and contort my body in most unusual ways, it is not unlike me to do so in the chair of any given classroom. That is, I tend to sit and balled-up as virtually possible during lectures. Considering the areas where we need to sit tend to run… small, I often find myself placing my textbooks underneath my seat.
Now, being that I am – like – extremely focused, sometimes my mind slips and I leave mentioned book there. Not 75 minutes passed before I scurried back to that classroom to get my book and it had already been scooped up. Now, in the event that this was not a school-made course book valued at 20 dollars, I probably would have had a stroke. But, I just bought a new one. Regardless, I have not again put any book – coursebook or otherwise – under my chair.
being awkward is not something the decreases with age
The moment I turned 21, I thought maybe – just maybe – that would lend itself to my being a little less awkward. Turn the big ol’ two-one is an exciting thing, right? Well, I think it is possible that my levels of awkwardness have only proven to show a correlation with my increasing age: it’s going up with it.
After getting out of class and meandering through my bag – starving – looking for my apple, I looked up to see this guy from my high school. He had changed a fair bit, and I hadn’t seen him for two years so I had to adjust my eyes on him a bit. Anyhow, point is, there I am apple in mouth, apple juice dripping down my chin giving this guy the shocked, “I know you” look that is still somewhat laced with the, “Wait – do I know you?” look.
This would have been weird, yes, but had he of remembered me it would have been justified. Most unfortunately, he did not. So, I merely looked like a apple-hungry weirdo giving him the weird set of eyes known to man.
you’re mind is stronger than your body – lactic acid can kiss me arse
Since there is now a change in my schedule, there is also a change in my routine. Instead of my normal morning routines, I’ve broken it into two smaller routines (20ish minutes each). One in the morning and one in the afternoon. My morning one is mostly cardio with some body weight training and I usually do some toning exercises in the afternoon.  I’ve started to lift a bit heavier and I love it. I’ve also incorporated more yoga – much more yoga. I’ve re-re fallen in love. I happily say I’ve mastered (MASTER) crow pose.
I used to be afraid of working out twice a day. Furthermore, I used to be afraid of only sweating for 20 minutes (typically each work out runs to 30 minutes long, but I do a lot of stretches). But, nope. Turns out, my body loves it and I do too.
school is my home away from home and i’ve missed it
This will sound lame, but on the way to my school I pass where I was working. Or, rather, was working full time. There have been two to three occasions where in I almost turned to my father – who drives me to the bus stop so I don’t have to transfer… cha-ching! – where he was going because he was passing work. It would only be for a split moment until I realized that I wasn’t going to work.
Additionally, last night at work I was talking to a woman about ‘getting out’. I used to literally fear my permanence in retail. Maybe it was just my own insecurities getting the best of me, but I used to look at my name tag and think, ‘get used to it Princess’.
Furthermore, school has pushed me to get better my health. And by that, I mean my diet. And my fitness regime. Each day I go to school I am reminded that I have an entire life ahead of me. A career, a beautifully amazing boyfriend to whom I plan to share a life with (a home, children and probably a few furry friends, included)… I need to get over this. First of all, I want to be strong and beautiful, not brittle.
I’ve decided to commit to 30 minutes of exercise, daily. I love to work out each day, but I need to remember… you don’t need to hurt yourself or over do it. I’m also going to focus more on strength training and yoga, rather than cardio. Essentially, it’ll look like this
Monday and Wednesday: 15 minutes of cardio + 15-25 minutes of lower body work .
Tuesday and Thursday: 15 minutes of cardio + 15-25 minutes of upper body work.
Saturday and Sunday: 30 minutes of cardio (5 warm up, 20 HIIT, 5 cool down)
Friday: 45 minute of Spin N’ Stretch (this is my own thing, that incorporates my spin bike and my yoga mat)
These times are pretty set in stone. Until I can prove to myself that I can eat more, I am to stick to these time constraints. This said, stretching is not part of the time limits. If I want to do a 20 minute yoga routine on top of this, I can. Why? Because yoga – in my mind – is more important than anything else. Yoga has toning benefits, cardiovascular benefits, without killing you.
As goes for my food, I’m – effective immediately – increasing my caloric intake. Generally speaking, people – active or not – should be taking in 1900-2100 calories, depending upon their sex and stuff. Well, I’m still at 1750 (on a good day). Last night, I finally made it to 1850 and today will be not different.
I will still have my six meals. Why? Because I still think eating smaller meals is better. But, I will NEED to ensure that these small meals are not… so small. So, essentially, until I can do this without numbers
I will have three meals of 400 calories
and three snacks of  200 calories
🙂 Wish my luck!
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Coyote Beautiful

thurdsay’s thinkies
Good morning lads and lasses! Welcome to Thursday, 🙂
1) Naps are vital in life! I used to be a anti-napper. I thought, ‘why waste the day, napping it away?’ but then I came to realized… sleep is good. I typically wake up early (I am talking 5:30) and, I honestly NEED to get out of bed. I just do. I like to get up, eat, work out and get ready, so 5:30 it is. Getting up that early can sometimes be difficult though, so naps it is!
2) Rhymes will never get old.
3) Neither will puns.
4) This right here:
Yeah, it’s kind of awesome.
5) Flowers never ever ever get old…

….especially purple ones.

6) Preforming Barre/Pilates and Yoga is a lot better when done without any footwear.
7) My current favorite way to raise my heart rate is go jog for 1 minute, sprint until I can’t (usually 30-45 seconds) preform 5-10 burpees (normal or yoga) and then repeat!
8) You should always mind what you say at work, as you never know who’s ears are right around the corner.
9) Yet, at the same time, if you mean what you say then you should never stifle yourself.
10)  Puzzles kick rump! 
11) And, while cheaters never prosper, using a literary aid has never hurt anyone…
 
12) Decreasing my cardio, while increasing my toning and stretching has been a really good move!
13) I want a long bob…
coyote beautiful
Speaking of napping, today Baba and I were able to share the entire day together completely and utterly alone. Not that I don’t absolutely love spending time with him as well as the rest of the family, but being that we don’t get a copious amount of strictly alone time, it is always nice when we do.
I think the main reason I love it so much is because it gives me a small taste of what it could be like when we live together. What our lives might look like. In a lot of ways, we’ve both kind of decided that this is it for us. We’ve found the person we’d like to grow old with. I mean, sometimes I’m still kind of in shock that it ended up being him – the guy who I thought was a real mean pants, in this undeniable cute and sexy (I said it) way, but it is and I am glad.
Anyhow, one of our activities today was an unplanned nap with Zooey. After a solid hour of rest, I opened my eyes up and saw him next to me. We had been holding hands when we fell asleep, so my hand was kind of… well, it was stuck and I couldn’t move. Usually when I am ready to get up, I’m ready to get up. I’m kind of a ‘go go go’ girl. I don’t like to lounge for too long. Even if I am watching a movie/TV show, I’ll get up after break, or 30 minutes, and just wander then come back (drives Mamabear absolutely bonkers). I don’t know why, but I get restless.
Anyhow, in that moment, I didn’t want to move. I was totally ready to stop napping, but I didn’t want to leave yet.
Why?
1. I was kind of worried to wave him up. He tends to be a light sleeper and he’s been quite tired lately being that he is working a lot, so when he’s asleep… I want him to stay resting, and
2. I kind of  found a calm in seeing him all rested. I’m a total weirdo, right? I love to watch people sleep. 🙂 They always look so content and at peace. It makes me happy.
So I stayed there, looking at him for a solid… uh, well, time is but a number right?

This kind of reminded me of the whole concept of coyote ugly, but only instead of want to eat my own arm to get away, I’d rather stay there for as long as virtually possible because it’s really wonderful there.
I have not spoken much about my intimacy issues on here, but I have them quite badly. In fact, I have an issue showing intimacy at all sometimes. I can’t really explain it, at all. I get scared really easily. Of what, I am unclear, but I do. It has often caused slight issues because it does tend to send the wrong messages to the people I love.
Verbally, I’m fine. I have no issues letting people know I love them. It’s when physicality comes into play. One of the things I have a hard time with is staring at people/looking people in the eye/being stared at. I don’t know what causes it, but I have always had a difficult time. I feel very exposed in those moments. Unsafe. The ironic thing is it happens to me mostly with the people I feel most safe around.
That’s right. I’m weird.
I am trying to get better though. I am making more of an effort to look Baba in the eyes, at all times. 🙂 Which is becoming easy as he has some adorable peepers on him!
 
stay sweet
caitlyn

Thank You for my AZzzzzzz

simple sunday: surveys and afternoon sleeps
I know for a fact that I’ve completed this survey on my previous blog (or, perhaps, on my current one… I can’t recall). When I saw it circulating again (via http://www.pbfingers.com) I knew I had to do it again. I’ve done so much changing in the past… few months, to be honest, that I thought it would be fun to do this again and see if my answers differ, at all.
simply a to z

A – Apples (and all fruits – banana, berries and peaches). I absolutely love fruit. They’re so naturally sweet and tasty! Not to mention extremely good for you! I aim (and succeed) to have three to four servings of fruit, daily. Usually this consists of an apple, berries galore, bananas and perhaps a pear/peach/apricot. Typically speaking I prefer my fruit in the natural and fresh form, instead of dried and/or juiced, but whatever cranks your chain, right? My all time favorite go-to fruit at the moment is Pink Lady Apples. They’re such a treat! I eat an apple daily, I’m sure. I love them.

B – Barre/Pilates styled workouts are definitely going to take the cake for B. As you know, when I started to incorporate more Yoga/Pilates and Barre into my fitness regime, I noticed so many changes in my mind and body. I feel beautiful, graceful, elegant… the list could go on. Let’s be honest, I feel girly. I love to feel girly. 

C –  The clean eating lifestyle. I absolutely love the feeling of eating clean. Knowing that the food I put into my body is extremely healthful and good for me has helped me – in so many ways – overcome my struggles with disordered eating. Instead of focusing on what I shouldn’t/couldn’t eat, it caused me to focus on what I should and need to eat. If you’ve never tried out the lifestyle of eating clean, I strongly advise you to give it a go. 🙂

D – I love being able – or being surrounded by people who – dress up. I know it sounds kind of ridiculous but ever since I took part in a high school program a few years back where one of the events require me to dress up, I have loved the whole concept. I am not huge into dressing up like a total skank, though. Halloween to me is about being cute or funny, not looking like I just walked out of a porno, thank you muchly!

My friend, Shelby, from work at the Sunshine Bear and I!

E – Exercise has become an important and required part of my life. I love to create work outs (see below for this weeks ‘Love Your Body Toning Every Inch’ work out).  I used to think I didn’t have it in my to design a good work out, but now I love making them up. Every morning, over my oats, I plan my work out. I live for it. Some people don’t understand and some people take the whole concept for granted (which, never should be the case). I feel grateful that I am able to sprint, sculpt, spin and stretch! It makes me who I am; it makes me feel beautiful.

F – Friends the TV show. It’s actually almost ridiculous how much I love this show. I – at the drop of a hat – can reference the show without even a thought! My mother and I have kind of turned this into a small game. OK, OK. A really large game. It’s embarrassing, really.

 

Truth!

G – Games are like my all-time favorite pass time. Mostly word, card or board games. I am in LOVE with crazy eights, cross words and… pretty much any board game under the sun. I love challenging my mind and thinking, so trivia games are a big plus. Lately I’ve been kicking serious rump at them, too! I just love them. My Friday nights are usually spent curled up with a tea and some kind of word game. I think that I found my perfect match considering last Friday night, Omar didn’t hesitate to join me on the coach with a book of Suduko. 🙂

I – Intellectual conversation with strangers (and friends, too). I absolutely love exchanging knowledge on virtually any topic with a multitude of people. If I don’t know something, I want to learn about it! I don’t feel the need to be an expert on every topic, but I love expanding my vocabulary  and knowledge everyday of my life!

J – Jewelry of all kinds. Typically I find myself drawn to elegant and simple pieces, with a timeless flare. Currently my favorite is the necklace Baba got me while he was away. 🙂 It goes with virtually everything I own!

K – My dear friend Kathryn who has always supported me and has always been there for me. I love her so much, I can’t even begin to explain it. We can go months and months without seeing each other and the moment that we see each other again it is as if no time has passed at all. I absolutely love her and am so grateful to have her. No matter what happens, she will always be my dearest friend. My very own kindred spirit :).

L – Laughter (mostly from small humans… yes, babies). I absolutely love the sound of a laugh. More than you can even understand. It’s the most beautiful sound there is. When people laugh, it makes me smile. When babies laugh it makes me feel like nothing bad in the world could happen.

M – Me time. I knwo it sounds odd, but I’ve always been a pretty quite and to myself person. I require so quiet quality time with me, or I will go completely nuts. I’ve discovered that this is best done in the early morning between 6 and 8 AM. This is when I work out and eat breakfast and plan out my day. I love it. After that time, I want nothing more but then to be surrounded by those to whom I love, I’ll admit. Too much me time can also make me a little crazy. But in that hour, I love just quietly sitting with myself.

Okay, Zooey didn’t get the memo and joins me. In fact, now she comes and gets me if I am not up at a certain time. She tends to be a quiet attendant in my morning routines, so I decided to let her stay.

N – Spending time with  nature would definitely be the number one on here. I love trees and trails and birds and butterflies. All of it. In the summertime and fall, most preferably. I love sitting among the trees and reflecting on life. I just love nature. It’s simple beauty makes me truly calm and relaxed.


O – My amazing boyfriend, Omar, who has come into my life in the most beautiful and profound way. Before him I was an honest wreck. I didn’t know who I was or what it meant to be loved by someone other than your family – in that very special way. H’es made me come to terms with the fact that I am strong and beautiful and smart. When I am with him I feel safe and able to do anything. He makes me happier than I ever thought I could be.

P – My loving and incredible parents.

It is no secret that my mother is my best friend. Our relationship is unlike any mother-daughter relationship I’ve seen. We talk about everything, enjoy doing everything together and I am not the least bit embarrassed about it. Why? Because my mother is truly one-of-a-kind. She’s the most generously beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I feel very fortunate to have someone like her in my life.

My father is also no joke. He’s odd and strange, albeit, but he would bend over backward to keep the people he cares for happy. I’ll never forget about the kind and thoughtful things he’s done for me over the years and will never forget the many wise words he has bestowed upon me.

I really don’t know how I got this lucky, but I am certainly glad I did. 🙂

Q – Quotes and quoting. Whether is be awesome Friends references, or quoting the famous words of Dr. Suess, the whole concept of a good quote makes me happy. To know that words have had such a great impact that they’ve – in many ways – been eternalness, makes me happy. I would absolutely love to one day be quoted.

My favorite quote of ever:

 
R – Roses and all other flowers cause me to feel at complete and utter ease. If I could live in a flower garden, I probably would. I’d sleep of the petals of a rose and dance along the stem of a sunflower. Life would be perfect!

S – Anything related to the sea or the ocean. As I’ve said in the past, I absolutely love large bodies of water! I love them even more if there is waves involved! Anything in this category makes me truly happy shells, dolphins, swimmingsailing (though I am not a sailor, I’ve gone out of boats many a’time), sand! Okay, until this moment I didn’t realize how many ‘s’ words related. The sea makes me extremely happy! 🙂

T – Telling people you love them

It might be the best feeling in the world to see the smile on the face of a person who knows they’re truly loved.
Mama, I love you. Omar, I love you. Daddy, I love you. Zooey, I love you. Kathryn, I love you.
I LOVE YOU 🙂

U –  Unusually child-like behavior….

Like eating off a child’s plate…

FYI: There is an owl smiling at you under there, I promise.

V – Vegetables! All of them. I haven’t met a veggie I didn’t like.

W – One of my largest passions has to be writing. Every moment that I can sit down and write, I will. I love the feeling of constructing a well-thought out sentence and sharing it with the people I love. Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of positive feedback regarding MY writing. I love it! Typically speaking, I’ve never felt like I was all that good at it, but wit all this kindness, I feel I am really starting to develop a true belief in myself.

X –  Total Cheat: x-mas Eve is probably my favorite time of the year. I absolutely love the feeling of family and togetherness. Typically speaking, the idea of squishing so many people into my Grandparents house causes to me feel a sense of claustrophobia, but Christmas Eve night is something completely different. If we weren’t crawling all over each other, it just would NOT be worth it, it wouldn’t. Chrisrmas Eve night is also the one night a beg for snow to come. More often than not, I find myself wanting to get a hold of one of them snow removal cans from Frosty Returns and get rid of it all, as well as the cold. But, the two weeks leading up to and Christmas Eve itself is a whole other thing. I love snow at Christmas time.

It’s so x-citing 😛

Y – Yoga! You all know how I love me a good bend and stretch! Lately I have been loving Tara Stiles yoga via Livestrong woman, The routines are short enough that you COULD do a few of them, or add it to the end of your own work out for a new stretch. I absolutely love the feeling you get after completely a yoga routine. Light and relaxed. I fell out of love with yoga for a bit, but we have reconnected in a more healthy and practical way! Thank Heavens!

Z – Zooey, my dog, is absolutely the number one Z in my books, I love everything about her :). Including (but no limited to) her strangeness, her goofy moments, her snuggles… everything. 🙂 She’s a true keeper.

Also…

Nap time.
Yesterday Omar, Zooey and I took a solid two hour nap together and it was total bliss.

Oh, yes, and the work out 🙂

stay sweet 🙂

Caitlyn

Friday Five: Fitness and Future

learning to accept 
Most of you don’t know that about three months ago I applied to be an ambassador of a online fitness group. Yesterday I got word from them, declining me. At first, I was extremely depressed. They told me that I wasn’t yet ready to be an ambassador, but that I have potential and then proceeded to tell me where I should improve. This was something I really wanted, so hearing that I wasn’t ready was a total blow to my ego.
Then it occurred to me that isn’t the end, at all. In fact, that is only the beginning.With the information provided I know how to properly improve my blog – not only to become an ambassador, but to become a full-fledged blogger (which, is an ultimate goal of mine). This inspired my Friday Five of this week, which will be five Fitness and Career Related Goals of mine.
my fitness bucket list
learn to do a full-out yoga headstand
Okay, I know this sounds a little… lame… but a huge goal of mine is to learn how to do a headstand, yoga style! Truth be told this all came about from watching the – you guessed it – Olympics. Damn, those Gymnasts are impressive, huh?
While the idea of being a Gymnast has never really appealed to me, the challenge of balance is something I always strive to accomplish. Why? I’m not overly balanced for being a lover of yoga. I have been known to topple over every now and again. Regardless, I make it an effort to improve! To achieve the yoga headstand would prove to be a great feat for me. It’s something I’ve always looked at thinking it could never and would never happen. But why? Things are only prevented from happening if someone prevents them, and you are in control of your own life. So therefore, one could infer that if you do not allow something from not happening it is most certainly a probability, couldn’t one? 🙂
become certified in Mat Pilates, Yoga and Barre 
It is no big surprise that I love Pilates/Barre/Yoga work outs. In combination to my forever loved intervals, I find this form of exercise to be most beneficial. In the past few months I’ve noticed more changed in not only my body, but in my outlook on healthy living.
As mentioned, the grace and poise of these exercises have allowed me to feel more beautiful and more graceful than ever before (might I remind you that I already told you I have a balance-related issue which needs work).  I kind of shutter to say it, but when I work out I watch myself in the mirror. Why? Because I’m crazy self involved? No, because I absolutely love watching my body grow and change. I love feeling accomplished. Sweat and tears make me feel accomplished, 😛
I don’t really know how to explain it any better than that. This makes me feel beautiful, so why wouldn’t I want to do it every day?
support women all over the world pursue healthy and active lifestyles 
The former leads right into the next goal of mine: the help women all over the world pursue healthy and active lifestyles. Alright. I don’t want to get into it too much, as you know very well my life goals. However the more and more I think about it, the more and more excited I become. I’ve always hated that I let myself go down the road of eating disorders and addictive exercise. It’s made me feel like I’ve been focusing far too much on the wrong things. Ironically enough, I’ve never been too concerned with impressing guys. I mean, yes, there was a few gentleman who’s attention I would have liked, but in a lot of ways I made valiant efforts to go unnoticed. In short, I – not my weight – was my own worst enemy.
So, am I am sure you can imagine, the mere concept that I let this happen to me, Caitlyn, was extremely depressing. I was a strong, independent girl. I loved words and poetry, intellectualism and depth. I was not the kind of girl to get caught up in silly and superficial things such as my appearance. Why the heck am I rambling about this?
Well! I refused to let my disorders go in vain. Simply refused. I knew from the moment I began my personal recovery that I needed to make helping others with their healthy lives a huge part of my future. Granted, I doubt I’ll ever been stable enough to help severe cases (please note that this is my a degradation, but simply a stated fact which I am perfectly happy to attest to). I have become extremely sensitive to the topic and do not believe I’ll ever be stable enough to consider myself the ideal help for a person going through serious and critical issues.
That doesn’t mean I cannot help, though. I’ve discovered a genuine interest in helping women feel good about themselves – even the ones who are not slowly killing themselves have great insecurities, which need to be treated. Why shouldn’t everyone have the chance to boost their self worth and feel elegant and beautiful?
From that moment I knew that I wanted to get a Psychology degree, along with life coaching and fitness credentials to one day strive toward helping women pull physical activity and mental therapy. I’ve always been passionate about Yoga and recently developed a deep connection to Barre and Pilates. They’ve reminded me that strength is not killing yourself and they beauty is not hurting yourself. This a message I want to share with others; this is a message I want to make known. To be able to do this one thing would make me the happiest girl – along with a few other things not related to fitness. 🙂
take up swimming
I used to be a fish. A legitimate fish. I would spend hours upon hours swimming in my small, yet adorable poor in the backyard, absent-minded and blissful. During my childhood, that is when I was most happy. The smell of chlorine…. the taste! As disgusting as it is, the taste and smell of chlorine strike a nostalgic chord with me.
Then, I turned into a electronic-obsessed, house hippo. I spent my days glued to a computer screen (what is all this past tense usage, right?) never stepping foot outside. God forbid I greet the sun, right? I became more interested in chatting instantly, then splashing intensely. In short, the only water-related activity I did was surf. The net, that is.
I miss it.
Today my work’s mail-man (who’s name I don’t know) dropped off some mail, as he tends to do every Friday. Being that it was dead and I was bored, I struck up a conversation with him. Actually, to be honest, he started it, I just kept it going. During the conversation I learned that he had just recently moved here from Calgary for two, simple reasons.
One: His family
And two?
The ocean.
The moment he said it, I couldn’t have agreed more. One of the most valued aspects of my current residence is how close I happen to be to water. I am a true believer that water – life flowers – force people to dream and hope and aspire. Perhaps it is the vast shorelines, or the calming breeze. Or, you know, a combination of the both. Just something about the ocean and water makes me feel like I can do anything.
So, I feel like it is stupid that I don’t spend more time with it. Even if it means a artificial creation (a pool).
Also… I could probably use a tan.
I’m, like, a glitter away from being confused for as a Twilight fan.
try out classes, rather than working out solely from home
As much as I love fitness, I sometimes get discouraged about how it is something that I haven’t gotten anybody to connect with. No one I know is as passionate about it as I am. Or, at least, in the specific style that I am. I feel like it would be extremely beneficial for me to get out more and try out some classes. In the past, I was scared to do so because I felt insecure about my body and technique, but now I understand that no one is really focused on anyone else but themselves. Especially in regards to yoga. You are there because you have a connection to your body. The others are just a great additive and a wonderful way to make friends.
I’ve done a few yoga classes here and there, but I want to get involved in maybe some aerobics classes, or even Pilates.
Maybe one day.
Regardless, stay sweet.Caitlyn.

thursday thoughts

thursday thinkies
On Food
  • Putting Banana’s in the fridge in order to deter fruit flies is effective in the sense it it hinders fruit fly annoyances, but it speeds up the process which a banana ripens and therefore causes me, a person who likes moderately ripened bananas, a little discomfort.
  • Sunflower Seed butter is highly addictive and should therefore be eaten with caution.
  • Zooey is responsible for the disappearance for – I’d say – half of my baby carrots.
  • Eating extremely clean and healthy can become a bit unusual in the company of people who don’t adhere to such a diet. It is important to remember that you’re eating for YOUR body and no one else’s.
  • I learned how to properly roast broccoli and have furthermore fallen in love with roasted broccoli.

On Fitness

  • Running for 35 minutes outside is not as unattainable as I once expected it to be. I am slowly, but surely, finding a love for cardio. I still know how much I need, however.
  • I’ve been spending so much time practicing my turn outs for my Barre exercises, that I often discover myself standing in first position up at my service desk. Can you say Prima Ballerina? …Or, ‘Wishful thinking’?
  • Sometimes even something you really want to happen, might not. It is important to remember to not let it discourage you too too much and continue with life in the best way possible.
  • I learned that ‘oil riggers’ are awesome for you tri’s!
  • Cardio Ladder Intervals might be my new favorite way to get in cardio (Discovered via AR Fit). Essentially you start at and interval of 15 seconds going HARD, then follow it up with 15 seconds recovery and then go up to 30… 45… all the way to 2 minutes. I plan to make my Sunday cardio focus a complete Ladder-styled work out. 🙂

On Fears and Fun 

  • I cannot get enough of word games.
  • There is extensions that you put in your hair… and they stay there. You don’t need to remove your hair before bed!
  • You know you really love someone when waking up without them makes you extremely sad and lonely.
  • People are not out to get you regardless of what you think, so leave your defenses at the door.
  • Marianna’s Trench is my official guilty pleasure.
  • Babies have the best smell in the world. Even if it is drool! Something about baby smells are just so soft and wonderful.
  • If you preface a donation request with something nice like, ‘I love your shirt’ or, ‘Did you find everything alright today?’ people are more apt to oblige!
  • Turning a six hour shift into a game of getting donations makes time go by much faster.
  • Dr. Suess really know what is up!

 

 

 

In other words,
from the moment forward I plan to be more active with visuals! So far, I’ve been pretty slack in regard to taking pictures. Visual aids = good. So, expect to see more photo ops!
Stay sweet
Caitlyn

Babies and Baggies.

what i want this wednesday
First I’d like to apologize for not writing yesterday – after saying I was going to commit more. But, I had a few errands to run, then I had to work, then my cousin came up to hang out! So, it was a pretty busy day, leaving little time to sit down and write. But, I will assure you that next week will have one amazing Tuesday post.
After carefully thinking about how I want to organize these posts, I decided to go ahead and start off with one meaningful ‘want’ and one not-so meaningful ‘want’.  Why? Because I think a balance is extremely important in life! 🙂
My Meaningful Want: Spend more time with Children and Babies
I love kids; I love babies. I’m sure I’ve made this quite clear. I see them, I giggle. I made silly noises to them whenever possible. I just love children. I also love babies. They’re little soft cheeks and rollie-pollie arms; their laughs and smiles. I truly believe that being in the company of a baby can make anyone’s day a bit brighter. Unfortunately, I am horrid at holding them.
I never really thought about it until most recently. I’ve always been exceptionally good with children and infants, but typically speaking I am so when they’re in the arms of another individual.  The moment you put that little being in my arms, I tense. I don’t know why! I will never understand it.
Last night – as I said – my cousin and her boyfriend came over. She is just moving back from being away from home for several years, to rethink her career choices. Considering she had not been home in a long time, we decided to invite another old friend to the house. This old friend is the mother of a beautiful baby girl – who won’t let me whole her!
True, the entire situation had a humorous element to it, but deep down, I couldn’t help but think…
“Why don’t you like me, little girl?”
Before I had the chance to get depressed, my family informed me that it is just because I haven’t been around kids so closely in a very long time. Which couldn’t be more true. So, it was in that moment that I decided that I need to find a way to spend more time with little ones. I am not sure how I plan to do this, yet, but I will make it happen.
One of my greatest fears is that I will be a horrible mother – which, isn’t shocking at all considering my personality. I tend to expect the worst of myself, while anticipating the best of others. I watch my mother – who, I think is the best mother there is – and fear that I will never live up to that. It’s silly, but I cannot help it.  So the moment the baby began to cry, I feared my insecurity was being proven true.  I know now that it isn’t. First of all, it isn’t my child and when I do have one, I am sure she will love me very much because I am her mother and children are naturally connected to their mothers. It’s biology (I think…). And second of all, I’m still very young and have plenty of time to develop my own maternal personality. No rush!
Possible Ways of Surrounding Myself More
Well, I can only think of ONE right now.
I’ve considered applying to the IWK as a volunteer. I am thinking if not during the school year, I will definitely be committing to this next summer! I mean, really, why not? It’ll look amazing on a resume and I’ll get to spend more time with little children, which I really need to do.
I’d like to just take a moment to say that I am quite proud of myself, however. In the moments that the baby wouldn’t let me hold her and everyone laughed, I immediately got internally defensive. But, I stopped myself from overreacting too much because that is something I know I need to work on.
My No-So Meaningful Want
A Burberry Bag…
Typically speaking I find designer names kind of ridiculous. But there is something about the style of a Burberry bag that has always appealed to me. It’s timeless, elegant and classic.
I mean, yes, it’s just a bag. But it’s so pretty 🙂

The Other 47 don’t Really Matter…

To start, I have two small things to say:
1) Does anyone else find that certain texts on your computer make it easier for you to write more eloquently? I do. I always HAVE to write in Georgia or Times New Roman, but I do prefer Georgia. If it is for something professional, I will change the text following the editorial and writing processes, because I need to write in my Georgia to really get my point across. I know, I know. I’m nuts.
2) Is anyone else jazzed the Canada metaled in Synchronized Swim? I AM!
three shades of gray
I decided that today I would write a ditty on the different ‘grey’ areas in life. Everyone – regardless of your age, sex and so on – have moments wherein they discover that things are not simply black or white. In fact, more often than not this proves to be the case. Over the past few years, I’ve found this to be true in several facets of my life. In my relationship, in my education, in my fitness and healthy lifestyle pursuits. You name it, there is a grey area.
 
lightest gray: healthy fitness

There is a very fine and faint line between a ‘healthy’ exerciser/eater and an ‘unhealthy’ one. I’ve straddled the line and I’ve been on both sides, so I can tell you this much – being is a healthy eater is far more exception.
Unfortunately, coming with a truly clean and healthy lifestyle, judgement is bound to grow – especially if you’re like me and have an unhealthy history. Some people might look at my current lifestyle and think: she has a problem. Why? Because I am very structural and intuitive in my eating habits, passionate and committed to a workout routine, have a slight obsession with anything related to yoga/Pilate and Ballet Barre… et cetera. To me, this is life. To others it could look like an unhealthy addiction, driven by my past issues.
I understand this. Completely. I mean, yes, in the past I underwent a lot of issues, but working out isn’t so black and white (eh?). People who work out and eat right will all have their own reasons for doing so. Mine is no longer to lose weight, but merely stay toned and feel happy. I do some of my best thinking while working out. It calms me, makes me feel attractive and elegant. I can’t explain it; I just love it. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, if you see someone who seems to be extremely dedicated/addicted to exercise, take the time to really get to know their work out schedule (if you truly care that much), or even just take the time to get to know them! Yes, perhaps you’ll discover that their mentality toward a sweating session isn’t ideal, but maybe you’ll discover that they have a love for it, similar to your love of… reading, or playing video games or… for me, writing and helping people (and, let’s be honest, fitness).
Furthermore – on the topic of fitness, alone – each person has their own idea of what is and isn’t challenging or fun. As I have said many times, I’ve tried to be a cardio lover… I’m just not. You will never see my running a marathon (that said, I’d totally be on the side lines cheering you on… maybe doing some jump squats or a burpee ;D). It just isn’t for me. I do love getting a good sweat on, but I have found other more effective ways of doing so (for me). Again, I state: healthy fitness is not something that can put tucked into one category! Healthy fitness could simply be walking for 20-30 minutes every night after dinner. Does it make you happy? Do you feel good about doing it? Do you feel good about yourself while doing it? Then that’s all that really matters. Don’t feel the need to have the perfect legs, or the greatest buns or whatever! Just love life and you’ll shine!
light grey: healthy diet
This is another one similar to the category above. The definition of ‘healthy eating’ is not simple, at all. It might be more complicated than the definition of healthy fitness, to be completely frank. People watch others all the time and compare what foods they’re stuffing in their mouth to the food others are stuffing into their mouths. STOP. Right now, in this moments, quit it. Okay?
First of all, everyone’s body has a different genetic makeup, so why would we all eat the same way? We wouldn’t. Some people can’t handle certain foods, while others can; some people metabolize food more quickly, causing them to require a higher intake of X, while others need more Y. It’s all about your body at the end of the day.
Let’s talk about potatoes.
Let’s talk about popcorn.
Contrary to what you might think, both are extremely nutrient dense foods. AKA: healthy (of course, coating them in butter and other saturates will lessen this, but on the whole… they’re super good for you). I don’t eat either.
Let’s look at pre-packaged granola bars like Fiber One and Havest Crunch.
Both – in my opinion – hold creditable nutrition, yet I don’t eat them… ever.
Let’s look at chocolate.
Gets a pretty bad rep, right?
I eat it daily.
Yeah, yeah. And I probably eat kale like their is no tomorrow, right?
Uh, no. I never eat kale. Use to – not anymore.
So, what gives? I am a self-credited ‘health  nut’, am I not?
Well, I most certainly am!
To start, potatoes and most other starches (with an excepting to oatmeal, some cereals and quinoa) cause my a great deal of pain and… I don’t like them. While most people see a plate of pasta and think ‘heaven’, I think ‘okay, cool’. I used to love it, but I just don’t anymore. I’ve much rather a plate full of broccoli or brussel sprouts…. or both. Okay, both. It’s just my preference. There is nothing wrong with these foods, at all. So, when I say I don’t eat them… I don’t mean you shouldn’t either. I mean… I don’t eat them. For my own reasons. Popcorn, on the other hand, has more to do with my not being much of a snack-er. I never feel the need to ‘snack’, so snack foods and I don’t really happy. I have snacks, but I look at them more as one of my mini-meals.
As for the granola bars, I do ample research on a product before eating it. I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with entire of the mentioned products, but they’re not really on my list of ‘highly approved foods’. Again, this in no way means that you shouldn’t eat them. I eat very ‘clean’. What does that mean? Everything I eat, I eat in what can be considered it’s truest form. I don’t not eat granola bars, but I have a list of companies I try to stick to when choosing to do so (Luna, Kind, Lara and Simply). This also goes for crackers (Lentil Crackers and Nut Thins). I look for products with minimal ingredients and try to find products that have few-to-no GMOs. I am also in favor of Kashi products, too. But don’t think because I’m  not (or anyone, really) eating a certain food you are eating, there is a reason you shouldn’t be eating. I don’t even eat ‘clean’ solely to be ‘healthy’, it’s just something I’ve been doing for so long that to not doing it would be… weird.
Chocolate and kale? Well, I am not huge on kale. First of all, I do like a good kale chip, so when I crave that, I’ll buy some. But often I find it to be too much work (yes, lazy). I like it, but I’d rather buy pre-washed and cut foods to make my life easier. Shoot me. Chocolate, I just really like it. A year ago, I’d never eat chocolate. Ever. But now I enjoy dark chocolate nightly (and have even purchased white and milk chocolate granola), so chocolate is on my list. I am much more interested in the sharp taste of dark dark chocolate than I am milk, but if you like milk… eat it!
All in all ‘healthy eating’, is eating in a mindful way that makes your body feel good. That’s all. Don’t feel the need to eat this, or do this in order to be deemed ‘healthy’. If you’re happy with your meals and love how you feel in your skin, my opinion is, you couldn’t be doing any better.
grey: love and intimacy

Love is a gray area onto itself. First it is impossible to define, or explain and you don’t really know how it feels until you truly experience it. I know this first-hand. I used to think I knew what love was, but I didn’t. In friendships, in relationships… with my family. I thought I had it all figured out. But it isn’t that simple.
First of all, you can be intimate without being in love. An individual I know (well, a few) have been intimate with people they didn’t really ‘love’ several times. This used to confuse the heck out of me. First of all, intimacy is the act of closeness and love… so should you not be in love with the person you’re being intimate with? For me, yes. For others, maybe not.
This above all else has become the most notable ‘gray’ area I’ve come to meet.
There are one thousand reasons one might be intimate with another person. Maybe they are hurting and need some solace, or they enjoy their time with the person, but know that it is not something that will leave the confines of an intimate setting. Perhaps there was genuine love in the past and while that love was easy to let go, the physicality of their relationship was not so easy to.
This is something I’ve had to come to terms with in the past. I have had to learn to accept and support others for their choices in intimate encounters, regardless of whether or not it is something I would or would not do. Everyone has their reasons for needing things – just as I have my reasons for not eating certain foods and exercising daily. There should never been any judgement, because there is never a true reason to judge.
What about love?
In most things in my life, I’m crazy structural and planned out. Love isn’t structured and love isn’t planned. Love will hit you when you least expect it – probably for someone you didn’t expect to fall. Love is also not two 2d. When you fall in love, an array of emotions comes over you. You begin to think of that person before yourself and all the time. You want nothing more than to see them happy – sometimes to a fault. You can’t explain why and even though you never thought you’d be the kind of girl who gets excited over making some one a chicken sandwich, you do.
But as I stated before there are several kinds of love, and it cannot be easily defined. My love for my mother is different than the love for my father, as my love for Omar differs from both. Similarly the emotions harbored by another individual toward their close ones could manifest itself completely differently than mine might. Everyone is different, so even love cannot be compared.
Just on a side note: Please don’t be afraid of love. I used to be. I’m still often fearful of intimacy, but love I’ve come to terms with. If you open your heart and let someone truly in, you’ll never ever want to go back. So don’t fear love and don’t fear intimacy. The closeness you’ll experience with those to whom you are intimate with will be breath-taking, I promise you. I just feel I am unable to lecture too heavily to that, being that I still have my own growing to do in this field. Luckily I’ve found an amazing man who is willing to work with me through all my little nits and pics.
🙂
Holy poo, I am pasty.
Stay Sweet, 🙂
Caitlyn

Four Little Things

it’s really the small things in life
Lately little things have been really having an affect one me. Little smells, little moments… little things. Often in life I think we all forget how lovely the little things truly are. Everyone wants big, grande… extravagant. Why? I want to say that the media is the culprit, but I feel like us writer’s need to give the media a bit of a break. At the end of the day, it is just human nature to desire more, wouldn’t you agree?
Being a member of the human race, I find myself often partaking in the common practice of buying pretty things that I don’t really need, but want. You’ve all been there, I’m sure. Walking through the mall, you spot this beautiful shirt… or item, which clearly has been the void in your life. Obviously! Being that you’re so proud of yourself for figuring that out, you rush into said establishment, give them your money in exchange for their goods and call it a job well done. For about three to four months – sometimes less – that void is happily filled, but soon gaps will begin to appear and as you find yourself – again – meandering about a shopping center you’ll notice the next obvious void missing from you life. In all honesty, it’s a viscous circle of retail and regret.
Yet for some reason, we never learn. In my case, after a few months that once beautiful and required object becomes rather dusty and forgotten. There are a few cases wherein I find myself attached to an object for an extended period of time, but more often than not I’ll eventually lose interest.
So why do value these materialist things so much? Because we’re all materialistic snobs with nothing better to do with our time? No. Well, in some cases, yes. But, it’s just because in our society that is normal.
Well, as I mentioned, lately I’ve been experiencing a great deal of attachment to the little and simple thins in life – which, if you ask me, tend to hold value for much longer.
…Okay, so maybe this is stepping on the toes of my little Simple Sunday, but just… don’t worry about it.
The Little Things
Little Puppy Dog Messes
On Sunday morning, my mother and I came home from an unplanned Grocery shopping trip and got right into the housework. This included dusting ,vacuuming, sweeping… you know, you’ve been there. Anyhow, I was in control of the kitchen and living room area. Now, our living room houses a small box which always ends up – regardless of our efforts – empty. If you’re a mother or pet own, you have a similar box, I’m sure. It’s Zooey’s toy box.
All over the floor lay bits and pieces of once adorable hippos and pushy dogs – and one extremely frightening gizzard, surrounded almost methodically by their own inner stuffing. Think CSI crime scene meets Toys R’ Us. At first, all I could think of was, ‘here we go again…’ and then it occurred to me how much I would really miss those beheaded and dismembered toys if that weren’t there.
Picking up the insides and throwing them away, I smiled. I am now unable to imagine what life would be like without all that.
Can I just say, I actually have the cutest dog?

Toothbrushs and Tshirts

: Every morning after my shower, I brush my teeth. C’mon guys. Hygiene first, right? Usually, I look down at a toothbrush holder that is 3/4 full. I meander through the options, locate the purple one (obviously) and begin the ritualistic morning teeth brushing. Lately, however I’ve had to do a bit more scouting. Why? Because we officially have a fourth member of the bathroom. Omar. Now, even though he has left the house there are still traces of him. I love it.

After that, I trail my soaked rump into my bedroom and see a t-shirt lying on my bed. It’s, again. Omar’s. I then see the pillow he sleeps on and the section of my desk where he keeps all of his many belongings… the smile growing and growing.  I can’t really express how much I love it, to be truthful. It feels so, right – so official. When you first start out with someone, nothing feels… solid, I guess. Everything kind of  feels right, or in place. I see these things and I just feel like I’ve found the place I belong – with him.

I know, I know. Cornier than a field in Iowa, right? (Hey, Auntie A!) But it is how I truly feel. Especially in regard to men, I never expected to find someone who makes me feel as at home as I do with him. So, every single time I see that little toothbrush I smile, because it represents everything. My life and my heart. It had always been 3/4 filled, until the dumbdumb walked into my life.

Oatmeal Bowl Notes

One night, not to long ago, Mama and I got into a bit of a rough. Not really a ‘fight’, but a rough. We went to bed still in the rough, but ended our days with a solid ‘I love you’ and ‘Good night’. The next morning when making my bowl of oats, I grabbed my bowl as a normally do – with very little care, as I’m starving – when a small little piece of paper fell to the ground. This caused me to forget about my hunger for a moment. I bent over and picked up the piece of paper, which had flipped to its back and turned it over. On the opposite side, lived a note reading:

‘I love you very much
xoxoxox’

It was from my Mama.

My smile was so large and so goofy that I am extremely glad I was alone in the house. I always leave these notes for Mama, so getting one from her was perhaps the sweetest thing in the world.

I won’t lie; that was the best bowl of oatmeal I had ever tasted.
Which was rather the note, or the fact that I tried a new granola, but for sentimental sake we will say it was the note.

Thank you Mama. I love you too.

…xoxoxoxoxox

Burnin’ Rubber

At work we sell a lot of rugs – some of the are rubber. Lately, it’s been a popular thing to return, the ol’ rubber rug. As unusual as it sounds, I love returning them. Or selling them. I just love dealing with them. They have a strong smell that you can’t escape when around them. I absolutely love that smell.

Why?

The smell of rubber instantly takes me back to when I was a little girl. I would be sitting on a stool, drinking a cup of hot cocoa – which, I was pretending was coffee – watching my Dad talk to his coworkers. It was ‘Take Your Daughter to Work Day’. I lived for that day. I loved getting up and heading to work with my dad, getting lunch and driving around, asking him about his musical tastes.
Lately my dad and my relationship has been interesting. It is so evident we love each other, but sometimes we have a difficult time communicating. Every time I smell that rubber, I remember when my dad and I communicated just fine, which causes me to remember how lucky I am to have a dad quite like him.
I think it extremely important that we all take the time to really value and appreciate the simple and little things in life. After all, hey stay around in our hearts a lot longer, than that shirt stays in our closet.
Speaking of simple things:
Baba’s newest floral installment.

Thank you, 🙂

Stay sweet,

Caitlyn.

The Beautiful Bump

monday morning musings
As you know, I have crazy maternal instincts. The very idea of one day being someone’s mother is absolutely thrilling to me. I spend ample time dreaming about waking up in the early morning, putting together a lunch for my – at the point – six year old daughter or son (as well as an equally youthful lunch for Omar complete with dunkaroos and chicken) before walking them to the bus and beginning my day of work (ideally, working from home as a therapist/wellness consultant).
Several hours will pass, as I help my normal rotation of clients and write my freelance pieces for the magazines which I have contracts with before my little one comes home. I’ll meet them at the door, them looking endearingly messy, from the activities they partook in during both recess and lunch and me looking somewhat exhausted at the mere thought of getting that stain out of their shirt. They’ll run to me, looking for an embrace – which, I will of course oblige to – before we head to the kitchen the prepare our afternoon snack (ants on a log, anyone?)
The next few hours are kind of a blur. Will I still have clients, or will I only schedule myself during the hours of school-time? Which, leads me to the question, will a babysitter be required? Will my future partner be home, or will they still be at work? You know, typical things which will one day all fall into place, I am sure. Regardless of the specifics, this is my one true dream.
Oh, and there will be a dog.
Probably a husky.
Maybe a lab.
Okay, definitely a lab. Deal with it, Baba.
The other day, I decided I wanted to recreate my ‘vision board’. I made one about a year ago and when I looked at it, I’ve seen just how far I’ve come already. Clearly needing an update, I ventured out and bought two magazines to get things rolling. One of these magazines was Self Magazines newest issue. Before cutting the heck out of it, I decided to flip through the pages and see if there was anything of interest (does anyone else find it extremely annoying navigating through magazines? Why don’t all the pages have numbers?), when I spotted an article:

“Does this Baby Make Me Look Fat”

I froze.
The article discussed several statistics relating to issues with disordered eating and pregnancy. For some reason, the idea of carrying a child – to me – seemed like a surefire way to let go of my personal insecurities. I would not longer be eating for me, but for the child inside of me. So, I assumed I would just snap out of it completely. When I saw this article, I immediately wondered, ‘what if I don’t?’.
The article states that “nearly half of women polled used disordered eating to control their weight while preggers” (Jennifer Wolff Perrine. “Does This Baby Make me Look Fat?” Shape Magazine August2012: 114-117, 126. Print.). If you ask me, that is a whopping statistic. I am not judging women on this, by no means. In fact, I can – sadly – attest to understanding this fear. How horrible is that? How horrible is it to worry that my baby will make me lose confidence in my body?
I am not going to sit here and say that this fear was something that I was able to rid myself of, but it is something I’ve decided that I mentally need to work on. More than anything I want to be a mother; more than anything I want to have a family. Am I going to let my past and my fears get in the way? Of course not. As a woman, my body will change and those changes will be beautiful. I will go from a young woman, to a woman who gave life to beautiful children – there is absolutely nothing in that to be ashamed of. These are some of things I am going to begin to tell myself, day in and day out, so when the opportunity does arise, I will not be caught being one of the 21% who restrict their calories while pregnant, or the 49% who refuse to eat certain foods.
I refuse.
It scares me to think that so many women out there think this way. Granted, I have hurt myself in similar ways, as well, but it doesn’t really occur to you – however self-involved this may sound – that you are truly (and unfortunately) not at all alone in the matter. Every woman, not matter who they are, is in some way plagued by how they look. It is almost as if it is a requirement for being female – that, along with the ability to handle intense pain once a month for roughly one week’s time.
Not too long ago I had a lady I work with say to me, ‘I want to be like you’. I didn’t know what she meant, so I responded with an awkward laughter and inquired why. Evidently, my size was appealing to her. I assured her immediately that she was absolutely beautiful and should be in no way comparing herself to… me, of all people. She began to express how after having children she was never able to fully get her body back. That’s when I had to stop her. I told her that there was nothing more beautiful than the body of a mother; nothing more miraculous than the body which gave life. She blushed, unsure what to say, but definitely affected by my words. I expressed to her that as women we are suppose to go through changes – our bodies included. I had been so taken aback by this woman’s comments because I never thought that she would feel this way, at all. Yet, she did.
I hope that everyone girl, young or old, reading this knows that the changes you body will go through before, during and after pregnancy are nothing to be ashamed of, but rather something you should pride yourself on. Remember my statements yesterday regarding love for one’s self? This is a prime example of when that self love is at it’s most important, because trust me… that will be the most beautiful bump you’ll ever see.
Please stay sweet,
Caitlyn.

Over.

getting comfortable
Sometimes when you walk into a room and hear people talking in hushed tones, you’ll find yourself doing the exact opposite of what the people talking were hoping for. Perhaps, if you’re like me, you’ll stand out of sight and listen to what is being said, ashamed that you’re being so secretive toward everything. You don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable, so instead of announcing your presence, you let them go on thinking that their efforts haven’t failed.
Have you been here?
I have.
Now, in some cases the words being spoke of you are with only the intention to hurt you. These are cruel and unnecessary and in these moments I see that it is completely within your right to stand up for yourself. But, what do you do when the words being spoken of you are from a place of pure concern and love?
I cannot answer this for you, most unfortunately.
Yesterday, I overheard my mother talking to my Aunt. At first, all I heard was ‘is she sick?’ which initially caused me to worry. Who were they discussing? Is everything O.K? Then, I heard my mother reply, which answered all of my questions.
Me and… I thought she was.
When you go through your days, recovering from something like this and seeing the same people day in and day out, you actually begin to – in a sense – forget about it. Or, at least, you make it an effort to try. After so many weeks of things going well, you begin to actually push it as far into the back of your mind as possible. Then, when you overhear something like this, you are immediately pulled back.
It was almost as if my mind was saying to me, ‘not so fast, Caitlyn. You’re not past it, yet’. I was ready to break down. I was ready to cry my eyes out (alright, I won’t lie, I did cry in my room), but after five minutes I took control of my mind, and I said, ‘cut that out right now’. I grabbed a – light – sweater and headed out, without much of an reason. Left my phone (sorry, Baba; I know you told me to stop doing that), my purse and just thought. I thought of where I was and where I have come; I thought about all the things I’ve accomplished and all the pain I’ve endured. Then it hit me… my mind was right. I am not ‘past’ it; I might never be ‘past’ it.  That doesn’t mean I am not okay, though.
Every situation in our life stays with us. Even the bad ones, unfortunately. We learn from them, develop and eventually change. I do feel like I’ve come an exceptionally far way in regard to my health, but I most certainly have a far way to go.  I shouldn’t feel ashamed, or anything of my past. I should understand that people love me very much.
There was  picture of me, that I used to look at from time to time and become saddened. All I could see was bone and pain. Now, I look at it and think, ‘look where I am now’ or ‘look how much I’ve accomplished’.
Today is a short post, yes. But I just came onto say that you should never feel embarrassed about who you are, who you were or what you hope to be. That which has caused me – and those around me – pain has also been that which has made me the health-seeking girl I long to be. Always remember in life, you are to love yourself. You need to love yourself. So promise me that you’ll do just that from here on out? Promise me, and I’ll promise you I’ll try my very hardest to do the same.
Stay sweet.
Caitlyn
simple sunday